Chapter 26 Final words

That’s all I am going to tell about. I could probably tell you what I did after I went home, and how I got sick and all, and what school I’m supposed to go to next fall, after I got out of here, but I don’t feel like it. I really don’t. hat stuff doesn’t interest me too much right now. D.B. isn’t as bad as the rest of them, but he keeps asking me a lot of questions, too. I don’t know what the hell to say if you want to know the truth. I don’t know what I think about it. I’m sorry I told so many people about it. About all I know is, I sort of miss everyone I told about it. I think I even miss that goddam Maurice. Its funny. don’t ever tell anyone. If you do, you start missing everybody.

Carrousel

We were on the way to the carrousel. We kept getting closer and closer to the carrousel and you could start to hear that nutty music it always plays. It was playing ’Oh, Marie!’ it played that same song about fifty years ago when I was a little kid. that’s the one thing about carrousels, they always play the same songs. When she was a tiny little kid, and Allie and D.B. and I used to go the park with her, she was mad about the carrousel. You couldn’t get her off the goddam thing. There were a few kids riding on it, mostly very little kids. I went up and bought her a ticket. She was looking at me sort of funny. You could tell she wasn’t too sore at me anymore. I went and sat down on the bench, and she went and got on the carrousel. She walked around it. I mean she walked once all the way around it. I watch her go around and around. All of a sudden she gave me a kiss. She reached in my coat pocket and took out my red hunting hat put it on my head. She go back on the horse. She waved to me and I waved back. Boy, I began to rain like a bastard. I got pretty soaked. I felt so damn happy all of a sudden, the way old Phoebe kept going around and around. I don’t know why. It was just that she looked so damn nice. I wish you could have been there.

Coming out of school

I finally saw her. I saw her through the glass part of the door. The reason I saw her, she had on my crazy hunting hat on- you could see that hat about ten miles away. When I got closer , I saw it was my old suitcase, the one thing I used to use when I was at Whooton. I couldn’t figure out what the hell she was doing with it. She was out of breath from that crazy suitcase. She told me she had clothes in it and that she was coming with me. I almost fell over when she said that. I got sort of dizzy and I thought I was going to pass out again. I told her to shut up. I didn’t mean to tell her to shut up, but I thought I was going to pass out again. I took her bag off her. I was almost set to hit her. I thought I was going to smack her for a second. I really did.

Phoebe's School

When I got there, it felt funny. I wasn’t sure I’d remember what it was like inside, but I did. It was exactly the same when I was there. They had the same big yard, with those cages around the light bulbs so they wouldn’t break. They had those same white circles painted all over the floor, for games and stuff. And those same old basketball rings without any nets- just the backboards and the rings. Nobody was around, probably because it was recess. I was still sweating, but not so bad anymore. Her school was practically right near the museum, and she had to pass it on her way home from lunch anyway, so I knew she could meet me alright. Then I started walking up the stairs to the principles office. While I was walking up the stairs, all of a sudden I thought I was going to puke again. I sat down for a second, and then I felt better. I saw something that drove me crazy. Somebody’d written ‘fuck you’ on the wall. I rubbed it out. Then went to the principles office.

Allie

I kept walking up fifth avenue. Then all of a sudden, something very spooky started happening. Every time I came to the end of a block and stepped off the curb, I had this feeling that I’d never get to the other side of the street. I started sweating like a bastard. Every time I’d get to the en of the block I’d make believe I was talking to my brother Allie. Then I sat down on this bench. What I decided was I’d never go home again and never go away to another school again. I decided to go home just to see old Phoebe and sort of say good-by to her and all. I ran like a madman and went into this stationary store and bought a pad and pencil. I figured I’d write her a note telling her where to meet me so I could say good-by to her and give her back her Christmas dough. I’d take the not and give to somebody in the principles office.

Chapter 25 Christmas

It was Monday and all, and pretty near Christmas, and all the stores were open. It was pretty Christmassy all of a sudden. A million little kids were downtown with their mothers, getting on and off buses and coming in and out of stores. I wished old Phoebe was around. She’s not little enough anymore to go stark staring mad in the toy department, but she enjoys horsing around and looking at the people. The Christmas before last I took her downtown shopping with me. We had a helluva time. Old Phoebe tried on about twenty pairs of high storm shoes. We finally bought a pair of moccasins and charged them.

Strange Antics

After that chat with Mr Antolini we fixed up the couch. I went into the bathroom and got undressed and all. I couldn’t brush my teeth because I didn’t have a toothbrush with me. I didn’t have any pyjamas either and Mr Antolini forgot to lend me some. I got in bed with my shorts on. Then something happened. I woke up. I felt something on my head, some guys hand. It was Mr Antolini. What he was doing was, he was sitting on the floor right next to the couch, in the dark and all, and he was sort of patting me on the goddam head. Boy, I’ll bet I jumped a thousand feet. I was nervous as hell. I grab my things and got right the hell out of there. I was shaking like a madman. I was sweating too. When something perverty like that happens, I start sweating like a bastard. That kind of stuff’s happened to me about twenty times since I was a kid. I can’t stand it.

Chapter 24 Mr and Mrs Antolini

Mr and Mrs Antolini had this very swanky apartment over on Sutton place, with two steps that you go down to get in the living room. I’d been there a few times. Mr Antolini came up to our house for dinner frequently to find out how I was getting along. I used to play tennis with him and Mrs Antolini frequently. They were both very intellectual, especially Mr Antolini. They both read all D.B’s stories Mrs Antolini too. When he went to Hollywood, Mr Antolini phoned him up and told him not to go. He went anyway, though. Mr Antolini said that anyone who could write like D.B had no business going out to Hollywood. Mr Antolini was a pretty heavy drinker. He’s a very witty guy sometimes. Lillian was Mrs Antolini’s first name.

Tears

Then all of a sudden, I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I did it so nobody could hear me, but I did it. It scared hell out of old Phoebe when I started doing it, and she came over and tried to make me stop, but once you get started, you can’t just stop on a goddam dime. I was still sitting on the edge of the bed when I did it, and she put her old arm around my neck, and I put my arm around her, too, but I still couldn’t stop for a long time. I thought I was going to choke to death or something. Boy, I scared hell out of poor old Phoebe. Then I took my hunting hat out of my coat pocket and gave it to her. She likes those kind of crazy hats. Then I told her I’d give her a buzz if I got the chance, and then I left. I was a hell of a lot easier getting out of the house than I was getting in. I figured if they caught me they caught me. I almost wished they did, in a way. I walked down the stairs. I nearly broke my neck on about ten million garbage pails. The elevator guy didn’t even see me. He probably still thinks I’m up at the Dickstein’s.

Chapter 23 Mr Antolini

I called Mr Antolini, I made it snappy on the phone because I was afraid my parents would barge in on me right in the middle of it. Mr Antolini was very nice. He said I could come right over if I wanted to. I think I probably woke he and his wife up, because it took them a helluva long time to answer the phone. He had a good sense of humour and all. He told me to come right over if I felt like it. He was the best teacher I ever had, Mr Antolini. You could kid around with him without losing your respect for him. He was the one who picked up that boy that jumped out the window. James Castle. He took his coat off and put it over James Castle and carried him all the way over to the infirmary. He didn’t even give a damn if his coat got all bloody and all.

James Castle

She told me I don’t like anything. No schools or anything. Millions of things. I do actually. The trouble was, I couldn’t concentrate too hot. Sometimes its hard to concentrate. She was in a cockeyed position way the hell over the other side of the bed. All I could think about was those two nuns. There was this one guy at Elton hills, James Castle. He would take something back he had said about this very conceited boy, Phil Stabile. One of Stabile mates heard him say it, and went and squealed to Stabile. So Stabile, with about six friends went down to James Castle’s room. They started on him, I wont even tell you what they did to him- it’s to repulsive. But he still wouldn’t take it back. Finally, what he did instead of taking back what said, he jumped out the window. He was dead, and his teeth, and blood were all over the place, and nobody would even go near him. He had on this turtleneck sweater I’d lent him.

Chapter 22

She took the pillow of her head, but she still wouldn’t look at me. She was ostracizing the hell out of me. Just like the fencing team at Pencey when I left all the foils on the goddam subway. Boy, when she gets something on her mind, she really gets something on her mind. She can be snotty sometimes. She can be quite snotty. Then just for the hell of it, I gave her a pinch on the behide. It was as sticking way out in the breeze, the way she was laying on her side. She has hardly any behide. I didn’t do it hard, but she tried to hit my hand anyway, but she missed. She asked me again why I got the ax. I’m sick of everybody asking me that. It was one of the worst school I had ever been to. It was full of phoney’s. you never saw so many mean guys in your life. Everyone was always locking doors when you wanted to come in. and they always had this goddam secret fraternity that I was too yellow not to join.

Angry Phoebe

Then I told her about the record. She asked for the pieces, and took them right out my hand and then she put them in the drawer of the night table. She kills me. She asked me why I wasn’t home Wednesday. She knew I got kicked out. Then she hit me on the leg with her fist. She gets very emotional I swear to god. She smacked me again with her fist. If you don’t think that hurts, your crazy. Then she flopped on her stomach on the bed and put the goddam pillow case over her head. She’s a true madman sometimes. She wouldn’t take it off. I kept saying ’C’mon, hey… Hey Weatherfield. C’mon out. She wouldn’t come out, though. You cant reason with her sometimes. Finally, I got up and went out of the living room and got some cigarettes out of the box on the table and stuck some in my pocket. I was all out.

Chapter 21 Elevator

The best break I had in years, when I got home the regular night elevator boy, Pete, wasn’t on the car. Some new guy I’d never seen before was on the car. I figured that if I didn’t bump into my parents and all I’d be able to say hello to old Phoebe and the beat it and nobody’s even know I’d been around. What made it even better the elevator guy was sort of on the stupid side. I got off at our floor. I started walking very slowly towards Phoebe’s room. She was in D.B’s room. She’s very neat for a child. She’s no slob. She woke up. She put her arms around my neck and all. I mean she’s quite affectionate, for a child. Sometimes she is even too affectionate. I sort of gave her a kiss.

Death

After a while, just to get my mind off getting pneumonia and all, I took out my dough and tried to count it in the lousy light from the street lamp. All I had was three singles and five quarters and a nickel left. I spent a fortune since I left Pencey. I went own to the lagoon and sort of skipped the quarters and the nickel across it, where it wasn’t frozen. I guess I thought it would take my mind off getting pneumonia and dying. It didn’t though. I started think how old Phoebe would feel if I got pneumonia and died. It was a childish way to think, but I couldn’t stop myself. I mean she’s quite fond of me. She really is. I couldn’t get that off my mind so I decided I’d better sneak home and see her, in case I died an all. So I got the hell out of the park, and went home. I walked all the way. It wasn’t too far, and I wasn’t tired or even drunk any more. It was just very cold and nobody around anywhere.

Central Park

I’ve lived in New York all my life, and I know Central Park like the back of my hand, because I used to roller-skate there all the time and ride my bike when I was a kid, but I had the most terrific trouble finding that lagoon that night. I knew right where it was, it was right near Central Park and all. I finally found it. Where it was, it was partly frozen and partly not frozen. I didn’t see a single duck. I walked around the whole goddam lake. I thought maybe if they weren’t around, they’d be asleep or something, near the edge of the water, near the grass and all. that’s how I nearly fell in. But I couldn’t find any. Finally I sat down on this bench. I was shivering like a bastard. The back of my hair, even though I had my hunting hat on, was sort of full of little hunks of ice. That worried me. I thought I’d get pneumonia and die.

Chapter 20 Drunk

I gave old Sally Hayes a buzz. I had to dial about twenty numbers before I got the right one. Boy, was I blind. I wished to god I hadn’t even phoned her. When I’m drunk, I’m a madman. I stayed in the goddam phone booth for quite a while. I kept holding onto the phone, sort of, so I wouldn’t pass out. I wasn’t feeling to marvellous, to tell you the truth. I didn’t feel too drunk any more when I went outside, but it was getting very cold out again, and my teeth started chattering like hell. I didn’t know where to go. So what I did, I started walking over to the park. Then something terrible happened just as I got in the park. I dropped old Phoebe’s record. It broke into about fifty pieces. I took the pieces out of the envelope and put them in my coat pocket. They weren’t any good for anything, but I didn’t feel like just throwing them away. Then I went in the park. Boy, was it dark.

Carl luce

He ordered a dry Martini. He told the bartender to make it very dry, and no olive. I bored him a lot. I really did. He amused me, though. He was one of those guys that sort of amuse me a lot. When we were at Whooton, he’d make you describe the most personal stuff that happened to you, but if you asked him about himself he got sore. These intellectual guys don’t like to have an intellectual conversation with you unless they’re running the whole thing. I can never get really sexy- I mean really sexy- with a girl I don’t like a lot. I mean I have to like her a lot. Boy, it really screws up my sex life something awful. My sex life stinks. Old Luce he was strictly a pain in the ass, but he certainly had a good vocabulary. He had the largest vocabulary of any boy at Whooton when I was there. They gave us a test.

Chapter 19 sex

The Wicker bar is this sort of swanky hotel, the Seton Hotel. They used to have these two French babes, Tina and Janine. One of the played the piano and one sang. It was pretty early when I got there. I sat down at the bar, I had a couple of scotch and sodas before old Luce even showed up. Finally old Luce showed up. Old Luce. What a guy. He was supposed to be my student adviser when I was a Whooton. The only think he ever did though, was give sex talks and all. He know quite a lot about sex, especially perverts and all. And flits and Lesbians.

Army

After the movie was over, I started walking down to the Wicker Bar, where I was supposed to meet old Carl Luce, and while I walked I sort of thought about war and all. My brother D.B. was in the army for four goddam years. He was in the war to- but I really think he hated the army worse than the war. He didn’t get wounded or anything and he didn’t have to shoot anybody. He once told Allie and I that if he’d had to shoot anybody, he wouldn’t’ve known which direction to shoot in. I remember Allie once asked him wasn’t it sort of good that he was in the war because he was a writer and it gave him a lot to write and all. He made Allie go get his baseball mitt and then he asked him who was the best war poet. Rupert Brooke or Emily Dickinson. Allie said Emily Dickson. I don’t read much poetry.

Chapter 18 Jane and Carl

I thought I’d give old Jane a buzz and she if she was home yet. I never danced with her the whole time I knew her. I saw her dance though once. She looked like a very good dancer. It’s a funny thing about girls. Every time you mention some guy’s strictly a bastard- very mean, or very conceited and all- and when you mention it to the girl, she’ll tell you he has an inferiority complex. Girls, you never know what they are going to think. I gave old Jane a buzz, but her phone didn’t answer, so I had to hang up. I only had three people in. Jane, Mr Antolini and my fathers office number. So what I didn’t I finally gave old Carl Luce a call. He graduated from Whooton after I left. I think he was pretty surprise to hear from me. I once called him a fat-assed phoney.