Chapter 26 Final words

That’s all I am going to tell about. I could probably tell you what I did after I went home, and how I got sick and all, and what school I’m supposed to go to next fall, after I got out of here, but I don’t feel like it. I really don’t. hat stuff doesn’t interest me too much right now. D.B. isn’t as bad as the rest of them, but he keeps asking me a lot of questions, too. I don’t know what the hell to say if you want to know the truth. I don’t know what I think about it. I’m sorry I told so many people about it. About all I know is, I sort of miss everyone I told about it. I think I even miss that goddam Maurice. Its funny. don’t ever tell anyone. If you do, you start missing everybody.

Carrousel

We were on the way to the carrousel. We kept getting closer and closer to the carrousel and you could start to hear that nutty music it always plays. It was playing ’Oh, Marie!’ it played that same song about fifty years ago when I was a little kid. that’s the one thing about carrousels, they always play the same songs. When she was a tiny little kid, and Allie and D.B. and I used to go the park with her, she was mad about the carrousel. You couldn’t get her off the goddam thing. There were a few kids riding on it, mostly very little kids. I went up and bought her a ticket. She was looking at me sort of funny. You could tell she wasn’t too sore at me anymore. I went and sat down on the bench, and she went and got on the carrousel. She walked around it. I mean she walked once all the way around it. I watch her go around and around. All of a sudden she gave me a kiss. She reached in my coat pocket and took out my red hunting hat put it on my head. She go back on the horse. She waved to me and I waved back. Boy, I began to rain like a bastard. I got pretty soaked. I felt so damn happy all of a sudden, the way old Phoebe kept going around and around. I don’t know why. It was just that she looked so damn nice. I wish you could have been there.

Coming out of school

I finally saw her. I saw her through the glass part of the door. The reason I saw her, she had on my crazy hunting hat on- you could see that hat about ten miles away. When I got closer , I saw it was my old suitcase, the one thing I used to use when I was at Whooton. I couldn’t figure out what the hell she was doing with it. She was out of breath from that crazy suitcase. She told me she had clothes in it and that she was coming with me. I almost fell over when she said that. I got sort of dizzy and I thought I was going to pass out again. I told her to shut up. I didn’t mean to tell her to shut up, but I thought I was going to pass out again. I took her bag off her. I was almost set to hit her. I thought I was going to smack her for a second. I really did.

Phoebe's School

When I got there, it felt funny. I wasn’t sure I’d remember what it was like inside, but I did. It was exactly the same when I was there. They had the same big yard, with those cages around the light bulbs so they wouldn’t break. They had those same white circles painted all over the floor, for games and stuff. And those same old basketball rings without any nets- just the backboards and the rings. Nobody was around, probably because it was recess. I was still sweating, but not so bad anymore. Her school was practically right near the museum, and she had to pass it on her way home from lunch anyway, so I knew she could meet me alright. Then I started walking up the stairs to the principles office. While I was walking up the stairs, all of a sudden I thought I was going to puke again. I sat down for a second, and then I felt better. I saw something that drove me crazy. Somebody’d written ‘fuck you’ on the wall. I rubbed it out. Then went to the principles office.

Allie

I kept walking up fifth avenue. Then all of a sudden, something very spooky started happening. Every time I came to the end of a block and stepped off the curb, I had this feeling that I’d never get to the other side of the street. I started sweating like a bastard. Every time I’d get to the en of the block I’d make believe I was talking to my brother Allie. Then I sat down on this bench. What I decided was I’d never go home again and never go away to another school again. I decided to go home just to see old Phoebe and sort of say good-by to her and all. I ran like a madman and went into this stationary store and bought a pad and pencil. I figured I’d write her a note telling her where to meet me so I could say good-by to her and give her back her Christmas dough. I’d take the not and give to somebody in the principles office.

Chapter 25 Christmas

It was Monday and all, and pretty near Christmas, and all the stores were open. It was pretty Christmassy all of a sudden. A million little kids were downtown with their mothers, getting on and off buses and coming in and out of stores. I wished old Phoebe was around. She’s not little enough anymore to go stark staring mad in the toy department, but she enjoys horsing around and looking at the people. The Christmas before last I took her downtown shopping with me. We had a helluva time. Old Phoebe tried on about twenty pairs of high storm shoes. We finally bought a pair of moccasins and charged them.

Strange Antics

After that chat with Mr Antolini we fixed up the couch. I went into the bathroom and got undressed and all. I couldn’t brush my teeth because I didn’t have a toothbrush with me. I didn’t have any pyjamas either and Mr Antolini forgot to lend me some. I got in bed with my shorts on. Then something happened. I woke up. I felt something on my head, some guys hand. It was Mr Antolini. What he was doing was, he was sitting on the floor right next to the couch, in the dark and all, and he was sort of patting me on the goddam head. Boy, I’ll bet I jumped a thousand feet. I was nervous as hell. I grab my things and got right the hell out of there. I was shaking like a madman. I was sweating too. When something perverty like that happens, I start sweating like a bastard. That kind of stuff’s happened to me about twenty times since I was a kid. I can’t stand it.

Chapter 24 Mr and Mrs Antolini

Mr and Mrs Antolini had this very swanky apartment over on Sutton place, with two steps that you go down to get in the living room. I’d been there a few times. Mr Antolini came up to our house for dinner frequently to find out how I was getting along. I used to play tennis with him and Mrs Antolini frequently. They were both very intellectual, especially Mr Antolini. They both read all D.B’s stories Mrs Antolini too. When he went to Hollywood, Mr Antolini phoned him up and told him not to go. He went anyway, though. Mr Antolini said that anyone who could write like D.B had no business going out to Hollywood. Mr Antolini was a pretty heavy drinker. He’s a very witty guy sometimes. Lillian was Mrs Antolini’s first name.

Tears

Then all of a sudden, I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I did it so nobody could hear me, but I did it. It scared hell out of old Phoebe when I started doing it, and she came over and tried to make me stop, but once you get started, you can’t just stop on a goddam dime. I was still sitting on the edge of the bed when I did it, and she put her old arm around my neck, and I put my arm around her, too, but I still couldn’t stop for a long time. I thought I was going to choke to death or something. Boy, I scared hell out of poor old Phoebe. Then I took my hunting hat out of my coat pocket and gave it to her. She likes those kind of crazy hats. Then I told her I’d give her a buzz if I got the chance, and then I left. I was a hell of a lot easier getting out of the house than I was getting in. I figured if they caught me they caught me. I almost wished they did, in a way. I walked down the stairs. I nearly broke my neck on about ten million garbage pails. The elevator guy didn’t even see me. He probably still thinks I’m up at the Dickstein’s.

Chapter 23 Mr Antolini

I called Mr Antolini, I made it snappy on the phone because I was afraid my parents would barge in on me right in the middle of it. Mr Antolini was very nice. He said I could come right over if I wanted to. I think I probably woke he and his wife up, because it took them a helluva long time to answer the phone. He had a good sense of humour and all. He told me to come right over if I felt like it. He was the best teacher I ever had, Mr Antolini. You could kid around with him without losing your respect for him. He was the one who picked up that boy that jumped out the window. James Castle. He took his coat off and put it over James Castle and carried him all the way over to the infirmary. He didn’t even give a damn if his coat got all bloody and all.

James Castle

She told me I don’t like anything. No schools or anything. Millions of things. I do actually. The trouble was, I couldn’t concentrate too hot. Sometimes its hard to concentrate. She was in a cockeyed position way the hell over the other side of the bed. All I could think about was those two nuns. There was this one guy at Elton hills, James Castle. He would take something back he had said about this very conceited boy, Phil Stabile. One of Stabile mates heard him say it, and went and squealed to Stabile. So Stabile, with about six friends went down to James Castle’s room. They started on him, I wont even tell you what they did to him- it’s to repulsive. But he still wouldn’t take it back. Finally, what he did instead of taking back what said, he jumped out the window. He was dead, and his teeth, and blood were all over the place, and nobody would even go near him. He had on this turtleneck sweater I’d lent him.

Chapter 22

She took the pillow of her head, but she still wouldn’t look at me. She was ostracizing the hell out of me. Just like the fencing team at Pencey when I left all the foils on the goddam subway. Boy, when she gets something on her mind, she really gets something on her mind. She can be snotty sometimes. She can be quite snotty. Then just for the hell of it, I gave her a pinch on the behide. It was as sticking way out in the breeze, the way she was laying on her side. She has hardly any behide. I didn’t do it hard, but she tried to hit my hand anyway, but she missed. She asked me again why I got the ax. I’m sick of everybody asking me that. It was one of the worst school I had ever been to. It was full of phoney’s. you never saw so many mean guys in your life. Everyone was always locking doors when you wanted to come in. and they always had this goddam secret fraternity that I was too yellow not to join.

Angry Phoebe

Then I told her about the record. She asked for the pieces, and took them right out my hand and then she put them in the drawer of the night table. She kills me. She asked me why I wasn’t home Wednesday. She knew I got kicked out. Then she hit me on the leg with her fist. She gets very emotional I swear to god. She smacked me again with her fist. If you don’t think that hurts, your crazy. Then she flopped on her stomach on the bed and put the goddam pillow case over her head. She’s a true madman sometimes. She wouldn’t take it off. I kept saying ’C’mon, hey… Hey Weatherfield. C’mon out. She wouldn’t come out, though. You cant reason with her sometimes. Finally, I got up and went out of the living room and got some cigarettes out of the box on the table and stuck some in my pocket. I was all out.

Chapter 21 Elevator

The best break I had in years, when I got home the regular night elevator boy, Pete, wasn’t on the car. Some new guy I’d never seen before was on the car. I figured that if I didn’t bump into my parents and all I’d be able to say hello to old Phoebe and the beat it and nobody’s even know I’d been around. What made it even better the elevator guy was sort of on the stupid side. I got off at our floor. I started walking very slowly towards Phoebe’s room. She was in D.B’s room. She’s very neat for a child. She’s no slob. She woke up. She put her arms around my neck and all. I mean she’s quite affectionate, for a child. Sometimes she is even too affectionate. I sort of gave her a kiss.

Death

After a while, just to get my mind off getting pneumonia and all, I took out my dough and tried to count it in the lousy light from the street lamp. All I had was three singles and five quarters and a nickel left. I spent a fortune since I left Pencey. I went own to the lagoon and sort of skipped the quarters and the nickel across it, where it wasn’t frozen. I guess I thought it would take my mind off getting pneumonia and dying. It didn’t though. I started think how old Phoebe would feel if I got pneumonia and died. It was a childish way to think, but I couldn’t stop myself. I mean she’s quite fond of me. She really is. I couldn’t get that off my mind so I decided I’d better sneak home and see her, in case I died an all. So I got the hell out of the park, and went home. I walked all the way. It wasn’t too far, and I wasn’t tired or even drunk any more. It was just very cold and nobody around anywhere.

Central Park

I’ve lived in New York all my life, and I know Central Park like the back of my hand, because I used to roller-skate there all the time and ride my bike when I was a kid, but I had the most terrific trouble finding that lagoon that night. I knew right where it was, it was right near Central Park and all. I finally found it. Where it was, it was partly frozen and partly not frozen. I didn’t see a single duck. I walked around the whole goddam lake. I thought maybe if they weren’t around, they’d be asleep or something, near the edge of the water, near the grass and all. that’s how I nearly fell in. But I couldn’t find any. Finally I sat down on this bench. I was shivering like a bastard. The back of my hair, even though I had my hunting hat on, was sort of full of little hunks of ice. That worried me. I thought I’d get pneumonia and die.

Chapter 20 Drunk

I gave old Sally Hayes a buzz. I had to dial about twenty numbers before I got the right one. Boy, was I blind. I wished to god I hadn’t even phoned her. When I’m drunk, I’m a madman. I stayed in the goddam phone booth for quite a while. I kept holding onto the phone, sort of, so I wouldn’t pass out. I wasn’t feeling to marvellous, to tell you the truth. I didn’t feel too drunk any more when I went outside, but it was getting very cold out again, and my teeth started chattering like hell. I didn’t know where to go. So what I did, I started walking over to the park. Then something terrible happened just as I got in the park. I dropped old Phoebe’s record. It broke into about fifty pieces. I took the pieces out of the envelope and put them in my coat pocket. They weren’t any good for anything, but I didn’t feel like just throwing them away. Then I went in the park. Boy, was it dark.

Carl luce

He ordered a dry Martini. He told the bartender to make it very dry, and no olive. I bored him a lot. I really did. He amused me, though. He was one of those guys that sort of amuse me a lot. When we were at Whooton, he’d make you describe the most personal stuff that happened to you, but if you asked him about himself he got sore. These intellectual guys don’t like to have an intellectual conversation with you unless they’re running the whole thing. I can never get really sexy- I mean really sexy- with a girl I don’t like a lot. I mean I have to like her a lot. Boy, it really screws up my sex life something awful. My sex life stinks. Old Luce he was strictly a pain in the ass, but he certainly had a good vocabulary. He had the largest vocabulary of any boy at Whooton when I was there. They gave us a test.

Chapter 19 sex

The Wicker bar is this sort of swanky hotel, the Seton Hotel. They used to have these two French babes, Tina and Janine. One of the played the piano and one sang. It was pretty early when I got there. I sat down at the bar, I had a couple of scotch and sodas before old Luce even showed up. Finally old Luce showed up. Old Luce. What a guy. He was supposed to be my student adviser when I was a Whooton. The only think he ever did though, was give sex talks and all. He know quite a lot about sex, especially perverts and all. And flits and Lesbians.

Army

After the movie was over, I started walking down to the Wicker Bar, where I was supposed to meet old Carl Luce, and while I walked I sort of thought about war and all. My brother D.B. was in the army for four goddam years. He was in the war to- but I really think he hated the army worse than the war. He didn’t get wounded or anything and he didn’t have to shoot anybody. He once told Allie and I that if he’d had to shoot anybody, he wouldn’t’ve known which direction to shoot in. I remember Allie once asked him wasn’t it sort of good that he was in the war because he was a writer and it gave him a lot to write and all. He made Allie go get his baseball mitt and then he asked him who was the best war poet. Rupert Brooke or Emily Dickinson. Allie said Emily Dickson. I don’t read much poetry.

Chapter 18 Jane and Carl

I thought I’d give old Jane a buzz and she if she was home yet. I never danced with her the whole time I knew her. I saw her dance though once. She looked like a very good dancer. It’s a funny thing about girls. Every time you mention some guy’s strictly a bastard- very mean, or very conceited and all- and when you mention it to the girl, she’ll tell you he has an inferiority complex. Girls, you never know what they are going to think. I gave old Jane a buzz, but her phone didn’t answer, so I had to hang up. I only had three people in. Jane, Mr Antolini and my fathers office number. So what I didn’t I finally gave old Carl Luce a call. He graduated from Whooton after I left. I think he was pretty surprise to hear from me. I once called him a fat-assed phoney.

Sally 2

The show wasn’t as bad as some I’ve seen. It was on the crappy side, though. It was about five hundred thousand years in the life of this one old couple. They were all just a bunch of actors. At the end of the first act we went out with all the other jerks for a cigarette. You never seen so many phoneys in all your life. Some dopey movie actor was standing near us, having a cigarette. I sort of hated old Sally by the time we got back in the cab, after listening to that phoney Andover bastard for about ten hours. We went ice skating. They gave Sally this little blue butt-twicher of a dress. She really did look damn good in it. I have to admit it. She kept walking ahead of me, so that I’d see how cute her little ass looked. It did look cute, too. I have to admit it. She’s probably the only reason why I am in New York.

Chapter 17 Sally

I was early when I got there, so I sat down on one of those leather couches, and watched the girls. Girls with their legs crossed, girls with their legs not crossed, girls with terrific legs, girls with lousy legs, girls that looked like swell legs, girls that looked like they’d be bitches if you knew them. It was really nice sightseeing, if you know what I mean. Finally, old Sally started coming up the stairs, and I started down to meet her. She looked terrific. She really did. She had on this black coat and sort of a black beret. She hardly ever wore a hat, but that beret looked nice. The funny part is, I felt like marrying her the minute I saw her. I’m crazy. I didn’t even like her much, and yet all of a sudden I felt like I was in love with her and wanted to marry her. I swear to god I’m crazy. I admit it. We horsed around a bit in the cab on the way to the theatre. At first she didn’t want to, because she had her lipstick on and all, but I was being seductive as hell and she didn’t have any alternative.

Museum

I walked through the park over to the museum even though I knew Phoebe wouldn’t be there. I knew that whole museum routine like a book. Our teacher Miss Aigletinger, took us there nearly every Saturday. We looked at the animals and the stuff the Indians made in ancient times. Pottery and straw and stuff like that. I remember after the Indian stuff, usually we went to see some movie in this big auditorium. The inside of the auditorium had such a nice smell. It always smell like it was raining outside. I loved that damn museum. You were only supposed to whisper. in that museum everything always stayed right where it was. The only thing that would be different would be you. Not that you’d be much older or anything. You’d just be different that’s all. You’d have an overcoat on this time. Certain things they should stay they way they are. When I got to the museum I couldn’t go inside. If Phoebe’d been there, I probably would have, but she wasn’t.

Chapter 16 Bench

I wasn’t meeting old Sally till two o’clock. I started walking over towards Broadway, just for the hell of it. Besides I wanted to find a record store that was open on Sunday. There was this record I wanted to get for Phoebe, called ‘Little Shirley Beans’. It was a very hard record to get. A boy at Pencey had it and I tried to buy it off him, but he wouldn’t sell it to me. The first record sore I went into had a copy, they charge me five bucks for it. I could hardly wait to get to the park to give it to her. After I got tickets to the Lunts show, I took a cab up to the park. When I got there I couldn’t she her anywhere. There was a few kids around. Then I saw a kid about her age sitting on a bench by herself. I asked her if she knew Phoebe and she said she did. She said she was probably at the museum. Then I remember it was Sunday. I told the kid it was Sunday and then she said she didn’t know where Phoebe was then.

Mum, Dad and Nuns

My father’s quite wealthy, I don’t know how much he makes, but I imagine quite a lot. He’s a corporation lawyer. Those boys really haul it in. another reason why I know he is well off is because he’s always investing money in shows on Broadway. They always flop though it drives my mum crazy. She hasn’t been to healthy since Allie died. She’s very nervous. That’s another reason why I hated like hell for her to know I got the ax again. I put my bags in one of those strong boxes at the station, I went into this little sandwich bar and had breakfast. These nuns came and sat net to me. We sort of struck up a conversation. All I said was that English was my Favourite subject. When they got up to go, the two nuns, I did something very stupid and embarrassing. I was smoking and by accident I blew smoke in their face. I didn’t mean to, but I did. It was very embarrassing.

Chapter 15

I didn’t sleep because it was only around ten o’clock when I woke up. I felt pretty hungry, the last time I’d eaten was two hamburgers. The phone was right next to me, and I started to call down and have them send it up some breakfast. I just lay in bed for a while. What I did do was give old Sally Hayes a buzz. I wasn’t to crazy about her. I used to think she was quite intelligent. The reason I did was because she knew quite a lot about the theatre and plays and literature and all that stuff. I think I would have found out a lot sooner if we wouldn’t have necked so damn much. My trouble is I always think whoever I am necking is a pretty intelligent person.

Sunny and Maurice

There was a knock at the door. Old sunny and Maurice, the pimpy looking elevator guy, was standing there. He wanted five bucks. He did all the talking. He said it was ten bucks a throw. I knew it was only five. My old heart was damn near beating out the room. I wished I was dressed at least. Then he gave me a shove with his crumby hand. I damn near fell over my can. They acted like they owned the place. Old Maurice sat down in the big chair and loosed his collar and all. Old Maurice unbuttoned his whole uniform coat. all he had on was this phoney shirt collar no shirt or anything. He had a big fat hairy stomach. He started threatening me. He was pretty sharp in his crumby way. She took the five buck from my wallet. I stayed in the bathroom for about an hour, taking a bath. Then I got back in bed.

Chapter 14 Bible

I sat in the chair for a while and smoked a couple of cigarettes. Boy, I felt miserable. I felt so depressed, you cant imagine. I started talking out loud to Allie. I do sometimes when I get depressed. I’m sort of an atheist. I like Jesus and all. I like almost everyone in the Bible better than the Disciples. If you want to know the truth I liked the man that was a lunatic and all, that lived in the tombs and kept cutting himself with stones. I liked him ten times as much as the Disciples, that poor bastard. I bet a thousand bucks Jesus never sent Judas to hell. I sat up in bed and smoked another cigarette. It tasted lousy. I must’ve smoked around two packs since I left Pencey.

Time in the Hotel room

She came in a took her coat off right away and sort of chucked it on the bed. She had on a green dress underneath. She sat down on a chair and sort of jiggled her foot around. She was very nervous, for a prostitute. She really was I think it was because she was young as hell. She was around me age. I offered her cigarette she said she didn’t smoke. You could hardly hear her. She didn’t know any better. She stood up and pulled her dress over her head. I know you supposed to feel pretty sexy when somebody does that but I didn’t. It was about the last thing I was feeling. I hung her dress up for her. It made me feel sort of sad. I thought of her going into a shop and buying it, and nobody would know she was a prostitute and all. It made me feel sad as hell.

Hotel

I got back to the hotel the lobby was empty so I headed towards the elevator. The elevator guy asked me if I was interested in a little tail tonight. I said I was twenty-two. ‘Five bucks a throw, fifteen bucks till noon. I said ok even though it was against my principles and all, but I was feeling so depressed I didn’t think. that’s the whole trouble. When your depressed, you cant think. I said just a throw. I was sorry I let things get rolling but it was to late now. I went to my room and put some water on my hair and brushed me teeth. Then I out on a clean shirt. I was feeling pretty sexy and all. I’m a virgin. I really am. I’ve had quite a lot a opportunities to lose it, but I have never got around to doing it.

Chapter 13 Me

It was freezing cold so I took out my hunting hat out my pocket and put it on, didn’t give a damn how I looked I even had the earlaps down. I’m one of these very yellow guys, I try not to show it. Its no fun to be yellow. Maybe I’m not all yellow. I don’t know. I think maybe I am just partly yellow. I hate fist fights. I cant stand to look at somebody in the face, it wouldn’t be so bad if could be both blindfolded. it’s a funny kind of yellowness, but it’s yellowness alright, I’m not kidding myself. The more I think about it the more depressed I got. So I decided to stop off a have a drink and all.

Things I like (rap/poem)

Scotch and soda is my favourite drink
It ables me to give the ladies a wink
Being clean and organised is what I do best
I do it even better than any of the rest
Being a smoky Joe is all that I know
I only really do it to go with the flow
I can never go anywhere without my hunting hat
I feel 3-D and when everyone else's flat

Things I hate (rap/poem)

I hate phoneys because there so lame
Everyone one of them, their all the same
People telling lies and people getting hurt
People treat others like their just like dirt
I wonder where the ducks go when it snows
I’ve asked loads of people but nobody knows
I hate the movies, their so fake
They really do my head in for goodness sake

Lillian Simmons

All of a sudden, this girl came up to me and said ‘Holden Caulfield’ her name was Lillian Simmons. He brother D.B. used to go around with her for a while. She had big knockers. Strictly a phoney. She introduced me to the navy guy. His name was commander Blop or something. He was one of those guys who thought they were being a pansy if they didn’t brake around forty of your fingers when they shake hands with you. She asked me to join her, but I said I was just leaving. You could tell she was just trying to get in good with me so that I’d tell old D.B. about it. Then she left. The navy guy and I told each other we were glad to have met. Which killed me. I didn’t have any choice, I couldn’t even stick around to hear old Ernie play something halfway decent. People are always ruining things for you.

Ernie's

Even though it was late Ernie’s was packed full of prep school jerks and college jerks. Ernie was playing the piano. You should’ve heard the crowd. It was very phoney- I mean him being such a snob and all. I felt sort of sorry for him when he was finished. They finally got me this stinking table. It was one of those tiny tables that if people at the next table don’t get up to let you by. I ordered a scotch and soda, which is my favourite drink, next to frozen Daiquiris. I was surrounded by jerks. At this other table there as this funny looking girl and funny looking boy. He was telling her abut his pro football game he’d seen that afternoon. And you could tell she wasn’t interested. She was even funnier looking than he was. Real ugly girls have it tough. I feel so sorry for them sometimes. Sometimes I cant even look at them.

Chapter 12

I kept wishing I could go home and shoot the bull for a while with old Phoebe. Finally the cab driver and I sort of struck up a conversation. I thought maybe he’d know about the ducks. He turned around and said ‘how the hell should I know’. He started to get sore about it. I stopped having a conversation with him, if he was going to be so damn touchy about it. He started up again and said ‘the fish don’t go no place. They stay right where they are, the fish. Right in the goddam lake. ‘it rougher for the fish than it is for the duck in winter use your head for chrissake. They get frozen in one position for the whole winter. I asked him if he wanted to stop of and have a drink with me. He didn’t answer me though. ‘ain’t no time for liquor bud’ he said.

Jane Gallagher

I almost was once in a movie short, but I changed my mind at the last minute. I figure if anyone hates the movies as much as I do, I’d be a phony if I let them stick me in a movie. I wouldn’t describe Jane as beautiful. She knocked me out though. She was sort of muckle-mouthed. It was always a little but open, even in her golf stance. That killed me. She read a lot of poetry and all. She was the only one I showed Allie’s baseball mitt to. She was interested in that kind of stuff. My mother didn’t think Jane was pretty, even. I did though. I just liked the way she looked that’s all. I remember this one afternoon. It was the only time old Jane and I ever got close to necking. She started to cry, the next thing I knew I was kissing her all over. Her eyes, her nose, her forehead, her eyebrows and all. She sort of would let me get to her mouth.

Chapter 11 Golf

I got Jane Gallagher on the brain. I got her on and I couldn’t get her off. I sat down in this vomiting-looking chair in the lobby and thought about her and Stradlater sitting in that goddam Ed banky’s car. I knew her like a book. I still couldn’t get her off the brain. I mean, beside checkers, she was fond of athletic sports, and after I got to know her, the whole summer long we played tennis together almost every morning and golf almost every afternoon. I really got to know her quite intimately. You don’t always have to get too sexy to get to know a girl. She lives in a house next to ours. After that Jane and I got to friends and all. I had a terrible time getting her to at least open her eyes when she took a swing at the ball. I’m a terrific golfer.

The Lavander Room

I danced with all the whole three of them one at a time. The ugly one Laverne, wasn’t too bad a dancer, but the other one, old Marty was like dragging the statue of Liberty around the floor. The only way I could even half enjoy myself dragging her around was if I amused myself a little. So I told her I just saw Gary Cooper, the movie star, on the other said of the floor. She practically stopped dancing, and started looking over everybody’s heads to see if she could see him. They all got exited and asked Marty if she’d seen him and all. Old Mart said she’d only caught a glimpse of him. That killed me. The bar was closing so I bought them all two drinks a piece. The goddam table was lousy with glasses. The whole tree of them kept looking for the movie stars the whole time. Then they had to go they said they had to get up early to see the first show at radio city music hall. I left the lavender room pretty soon after they did.

The three girls

So I finished putting on my shirt. Then I got all ready and went down in the elevator to the lobby to see what was going on. Except from a few pimply-looking guys, and a few whory-looking blondes, the lobby was empty. But you could hear the band playing in the lavender room, and so I went there. The band was putrid. Buddy Singer. Corny brassy. In fact nobody was around my age. There were these three girls around thirty or so. The blonde one was cute, so I started giving her the eye. I ordered a scotch and soda but the goddam waiter wouldn’t serve me so I just ordered a coke. I started giving the three witches at the table next to me the eye again. All they did was start giggling like morons. I really felt like dancing, I asked them if they wanted to dance. They started giggling some more. Finally the blonde one got up to dance with me. I kept on complementing her but she wasn’t even listening to me. She was looking all around the place. She was a real moron. But what a dancer. She started jitterbugging with me, but just nice and easy, not corny. Girls, Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy.

Allie, Phoebe and I

When she was a tiny little kid, Allie and I use to take her to the park with us, especially on Sundays. Allie had this sailboat he used to foul around with on Sundays, and we used to take old Phoebe with us. She’s wear white gloves and walk right between us, like a lady and all. And when Allie and I were having a conversation about things she would always be listening. Sometimes you would forget she was around, because she was such a little kid. She’d interrupt all the time. She killed Allie too. I mean he liked her too. She’s ten now, and not such a little kid anymore, but she still kills everybody- everybody with and sense anyway.

Chapter 10 Phoebe

It wasn’t late. So I opened my suitcase and took out a clean shirt, and then went into the bathroom and washed and changed my shirt. While I was changing my shirt I damn near gave my kid sister Phoebe a buzz. But she is only little and she wouldn’t have been up, never mind anywhere near the phone. You never saw a little kid so pretty and smart in you whole life. She’s really smart. She’d had all A’s ever since she started school. I’m the only dumb one in the family. But you ought to see old Phoebe. She has this sort of red hair. A little bit like Allie’s was, that’s very short in the summer. In summertime she sticks it behide her ears. She has nice pretty ears. In wintertime its pretty long though. Sometimes my mother braids it and sometimes she doesn’t. it’s really nice though. She’s only ten. She’s quite skinny, like me but nice skinny. Roller-skate skinny. I mean if you tell old Phoebe sometime she knows exactly what your talking about. I mean you can take her anywhere with you. You take her to a lousy movie and she knows it’s a lousy movie. You take her to good movie and she knows it’s a good movie. I took her to see this French film called The bakers wife, with Raimu in it. It killed her. Her favourite is The 39 steps, though with Robert Donat. She knows the goddam movie by heart. She’s all right, you’d like her. She’s a little to affectionate at times. She’s very emotional for a child. She writes books all the time, with some kid called Hazel Weatherfield in them. But she never finishes them.

Faith Cavendish

I was going to give old Jane a buzz. I was going to tell whoever answered the phone, I was her uncle. I was going to say her auntie had just got killed in a car accident, I had to speck to her immediately. It would’ve worked too. The only reason I didn’t was because I wasn’t in the mood. If your not in the right mood you can’t do that stuff anyway. After a while I sat down in a chair and smoked a couple of cigarettes. I was feeling pretty horny. I have to admit it. Then, I got this idea. I started looking for this address this guy I met gave me last summer at a party. It was this girls address. Her name was Faith Cavendish. So I decided to call her. I asked her I she wanted to get together for a cocktail or two. I told her I was a friend of Edmond Birdsell. I asked her again if she wanted to come out for a cocktail. She said she would but it was to late now. She also said she’d love to have me drop up for a cocktail, but she said her roommate happened to be ill.

Beyond the hotel

The bellboy that showed me to the room was this very old guy around sixty-five. He was more depressing than the room was. He was one of those bold guys that comb all their hair over from the side to cover up the baldness. I’d rather be bald than do that. After he left I looked out the window for a while. You’d be surprised what goes on on the other side of the hotel. I saw one guy, grey haired, very distinguished-looking guy with only shorts on, doing something you wouldn’t believe if I told you. First he put his suitcase on the bed. Then took out all these women’s clothes and put them on. I swear to god. I saw a man and a women squirting water out their mouths at each other. They were in hysterics the whole time. The trouble was this sort of junk is sort of fascinating to watch. I mean that’s my trouble. In my mind I’m probably the biggest sex manic you ever saw. Sex is something I really don’t understand too hot. I swear to god I don’t.

Hotel entrance

The driver was sort of a wise guy, he told me he couldn’t turn around because it was a one way street. I asked him where the ducks go from the lagoon right near central park south. I realised it was a chance in a million. He turned and looked at me like a madman. And said ‘what’re ya tryna do, bud? Kid me’. he didn’t say anything after that so neither did I. I asked him to take me to the Elmont then I asked him if he would like to join me for a cocktail. But he just replied ‘can’t do it, Mac. Sorry’. He certainly was good company. Terrific personality. We got to the Elmont Hotel and I checked in. I’d put my red hunting hat on in the cab but I’d taken it off before I checked in. which I really ironic. I didn’t know then that the hotel was full of perverts and morons. Screwballs all over the place. They gave my this crumby room, with nothing to look out of the window at except the other side of the hotel. I was to depressed to care whether I had a good view or not.

Chapter 9 Phone booth

The first thing I did when I got off at Penn Station, I went into this phone booth. I felt like giving somebody a buzz. I couldn’t think of anyone to call up, my brother D.B. was in Hollywood. My kid sister Phoebe goes to bed around nine 0’clock- so I couldn’t call her up. Then I thought of giving Jane Gallagher’s mother a buzz, and find out when Jane’s vacation started, but I didn’t feel like it. Then I thought of calling this girl I used to go around with quite frequently, Sally Hayes, because I knew her Christmas vacation had already started- she’d written me this long, phoney letter inviting me over to help trim the Christmas tree Christmas eve and all- but I was afraid her mother’d answer the phone. I wasn’t to crazy about talking to Mrs Hayes on the phone. She once told Sally I was wild. Then I thought about calling this guy Carl Luce, but I didn’t like him much. After about twenty minutes or so, I came out the booth got my bags and walked over to the tunnel where the cabs are and got a cab.

End of train journey

I asked her if she cared for a cocktail. I was feeling in the right mood for once myself. She told me I wasn’t allowed to order drinks. Not snotty, though. She was to charming to be snotty. I can usually get them on account of my height and I have quite a bit of grey hair. I turned side ways and showed her my grey hair. It fascinated the hell out of her. Then she looked at me and asked me what I was afraid she was going to ask. ‘Ernest wrote that he’d be home on Wednesday, that Christmas vacation would start on Wednesday’, she said. ‘I hope you weren’t called home suddenly because of illness in the family’. She really looked worried about it. She wasn’t just being nosy, you could tell. I have this tiny tumour on the brain. She but her hand to her mouth and all. I started to read this timetable I had In my pocket. Just to stop lying. I looked out the window for a while. She got off at Newark. She wished me luck with the operation and all. She invited to visit in the summer, at Gloucester, Massachusetts. I thanked her and said I was going to South Africa with my grandmother. I wouldn’t even visit that sonovabitch Morrow for all the dough in the world, even if I was desperate.

Ernest's mother

I shot the old crap around a little bit. She kept asking me all these questions about Ernest. She sounded interested as hell. Then I watched her take off her gloves. Boy, was she lousy with rocks. She looked up at me and sort of smiled. She had a terrifically nice smile. She really did. Most people have hardly any smile at all, or a lousy one. His mum started talking about how sensitive he was. Sensitive. That killed me. That guy Morrow was about as sensitive as a goddam toilet seat. I liked old Morrow’s mother. She was all right. I asked her if she wanted a cigarette, she replied with ‘I don’t believe this is a smoker, Rudolf.’ Rudolf. That killed me. She looked nice smoking. She had quiet a lot of sex appeal, too, if you really want to know.

Women on the train

All of a sudden, this women got on the train at Trenton and sat down next to me. She stuck her bag right out in the middle of the aisle. She had these orchids on. She was about forty or forty-five. She was very good looking. Women kill me. They really do. I don’t mean I’m oversexed or anything like that- although I am quiet sexy. I just lie them, I mean. there’re always leaving their goddam bags out in the middle of the aisle. She noticed I had a Pencey Prep sticker on one of my Gladstone’s . Very corny, ill admit. She asked me if I knew her son Ernest Morrow, I said yes. She asked me my name, I didn’t feel like giving her my whole life story so I told her my name was Rudolf Schmidt.

Chapter 8 On the Train

It was too late to call up for a cab or anything. So I walked the whole way to the station. It wasn’t too far, but it was cold as hell and the snow made it hard for walking, and my Gladstone’s kept banging hell out of my legs. I sort of enjoyed the air and all right under my upper lip, where Stradlater had laid one on me. My ears where warm though. I like riding trains on trains especially at night. I usually buy a ham sandwich and four magazines. I just sort of sat and not did anything. All I did was take off my hunting hat and put it in my pocket.

The plan

Everybody was asleep or out or home for the week end, and it was very depressing in the corridor. What I thought I do, I thought I might go down and see what old Mal Brossard was doing. But I changed my mind. I’d get the hell out of Pencey- right that same night and all. I mean not wait to Wednesday or anything. I just didn’t want to hang around anymore. It made me to sad and lonesome. I decided I’d take a room in New York - some very inexpensive hotel and all- and just take it easy till Wednesday. My mother gets very hysterical. She’s not to bad after she gets something thoroughly digested, though. Besides I sort or need a little vacation. My nerves where shot they really were. So that’s what I decided to do. So I went back to the room and started to pack. Old Stradlater didn’t even wake up. I lit a cigarette and got all dressed and then I packed these two Gladstone’s I have. It took me about two minutes. I’m a very rapid packer. One thing about packing depressed me a little. I had to pack these brand new ice skates my mother practically just sent me a couple of days before. That depressed me. It made me pretty sad. I counted my dough. I don’t know exactly how much but I was pretty loaded. My grandmother is pretty loaded and she sends me money for my birthday four times a year. She didn’t have all her marbles anymore. When I was all set to go, I stood for a while next to the stairs and took a last look down the goddam corridor. I put my red hunting hat on, and turned the peak around to the front and yelled at the top of my voice ‘sleep type, ya morons. Then I got the hell out.

Ackley kid

It was even depressing out on the street. You couldn’t hear any cars anymore. I got feeling so lonesome and rotten, I even felt like waking Ackley up. Ackley slept like a rock. I was sort of toying with the idea of joining a monastery. The kind of luck I have, I’d probably join one with all the wrong kind of monks in it. All stupid bastards. Or just bastards. When I said that, old Ackley sat way the hell up in bed. I got off Ely’s bed, and started towards the door. I didn’t want to hang around in that stupid atmosphere anymore. I stopped on the way, though and picked up Ackley’s hand, and gave him a big phoney handshake. He’s a prince Ackley kid. I shut the door and went down the corridor.

Ackley's room

The room stank. I could smell Ackley’s socks from way a way. I asked him if he ever sent them to the laundry. ‘if you don’t like it, you know what you can do’. He is such a witty guy. I just lay there on Ely’s bed, thinking of Jane and all. It just made me stark staring mad when I thought about her and Stradlater parked somewhere in that fat-assed Ed Banky’s car. Every time I thought about it, I felt like jumping out of the window. The thing is you didn’t know Stradlater. I knew him. Most guys at Pencey just talked about having sexual intercourse with girls all the time like Ackley, for instance- but old Stradlater really did it. I was so personally acquainted with at least two girls he gave me the time to. That’s the truth. I got up and turn off the light then laid back down on Ely’s bed again. I kept lying there in the dark, trying not to think about old Jane and Stradlater. But it was almost impossible. The trouble is I knew Stradlater’s techniques. That made it even worse. We once double dated. Stradlater was in the was in the back with his date and I was in the front with mine. He’d start snowing his date in this very quiet, sincere voice - like as if he wasn’t only very handsome guy but a nice, sincere guy, too. I damn near puked, listening to him. I don’t think he gave that girl time that night- but damn near. Damn near.

Chapter 7

I could see him lying in bed. I knew damn well he was wide awake. It was pretty dark, and I step on somebody’s shoe on the floor and damn near fell on my head. He had a lot of white stuff on his face, for his pimples. He looked sort of spooky in the dark. I told him I had a goddam tiff with Stradlater, then sat down on the floor. They never had any chairs in their room. I never discussed my personal life with him. In the first place he was even more stupid than Stradlater. Stradlater was a good damn genius next to Ackley. He’s a prince old Ackley he really is. I got up and went over and looked out the window. I felt so lonesome, all of a sudden. I wished I was dead. ‘what was the fight about anyhow’ Ackley said for the fiftieth time. ‘About you’ I said. I was defending your goddam honour. Stradlater said Ackley had a lousy personality. I couldn’t let him get away with that stuff. I told him I was only kidding and then I went over and laid down on Ely’s bed. Boy, did I feel rotten. I felt so damn lonesome.

The fight

I tried to sock him, with all my might, right smack in the toothbrush, so it would split his goddam throat open. Only I missed. I didn’t connect. I sort of hit him on the side of the head. It probably would’ve hurt him a lot, but I did it with my right hand, and I cant make a good fist with that hand. On account of my injury. The next thing I knew, I was on the goddam floor and he was sitting on my chest, with his face all red. He had his goddam knees on my chest, and he weighed about a ton. He had hold of my wrists, too, so I couldn’t take another sock at him. I’d’ve killed him. He kept calling me a sonovabitch and all, for around ten hours. I told him he didn’t even care if a girl kept all her kings in the back or not, and the reason he didn’t was because he was a goddam moron. He hated it when you called him a moron. He got really mad. Then he let one go at me, and the next thing I knew I was on the floor again. I don’t remember if he knocked me out or not, but I don’t think so. But my nose was bleeding all over the place. I didn’t even bother to get up, I just lay on the floor calling him a sonovabitch. I was so mad. I told him to stop of and go a give Mrs Schmidt the time. She was the goddam janitors wife. She was around sixty-five. I couldn’t find my goddam hunting hat anywhere. I’m not too tough I’m a pacifist. I had a feeling old Ackley’d probably heard all the racket. So I went through the shower curtain into his room. It always had a funny stink in it, because he was so crumby in his personal habits.

Jane

'Did you go to New York' I said. ‘Ya Crazy? How the hell could we go to New York if she only signed out for nine-thirty. 'Did you give him my regard'? I asked him. ‘Yeah’. the hell he did, the bastard. 'If you didn’t go to New York with her where did you go'? I could hardly keep my voice from shaking all over the place. I had a feeling something had gone funny. ‘Nowhere, we just sat in the goddam car. Who’s car I said?. Ed Banky’s. Ed Banky was the basketball coach at Pencey. Old Stradlater was one of his pets, because he was the centre of the team. Stradlater kept taking these shadow punches down at my shoulder. ‘What did you do’ I said?. ‘Give her the time in Ed Banky’s goddam car’. my voice was shaking something awful.